Davin's Jokes Page

QUESTION: What's brown and sticky?
ANSWER: A stick!

QUESTION: What do you call an epileptic in a tree?
ANSWER: Russell!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, today's a gift that's why they call it the present. This is more of a truism than a joke.

QUESTION: What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?
ANSWER: A frog in a blender!

QUESTION: What's black and white and red all over?
ANSWER: A newspaper!

QUESTION: What's red and white and gets smaller and smaller?
ANSWER: A baby playing with a potato peeler!

QUESTION: What goes Ha Ha Ha Plonk?
ANSWER: A person laughing their head off!

QUESTION: What has eyes that cannot see, has a tongue that cannot taste and a soul that never dies?
ANSWER: A shoe!

QUESTION: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
ANSWER: A fsh!

QUESTION: What do you call a man treading water?
ANSWER: Bob!

QUESTION: What do you call a constipated Samoan?
ANSWER: Fulafaeces!

QUESTION: What do you do when an epileptic has an epileptic fit in your bath?
ANSWER: Throw in your dirty laundry!

Beavis said to Butthead: Hehehe, he just said extend!
Note: You have to be a man to get this joke.

QUESTION: What did the girlfriend mushroom say to the boyfriend mushroom?
ANSWER: You're a fun guy! [fungi]

QUESTION: What do you call an eskimo's house without a toilet?
ANSWER: An ig.

QUESTION: What did the German say to his broken clock?
ANSWER: We have ways of making you tock!

Bruce Willis, Richard Gere and Arnold Schwarzenegger where having a conversation about their favourtie composers. Bruce Willis said: I like Mozart because he wrote 41 symphonies. Richard Gere said: I like Beethoven because he wrote 9 symphonies and they were all great. Then Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

Without Beethoven, life would be da da da dumb!

Attributed to rnz.co.nz

QUESTION: Why are fish so smart?
ANSWER: Because they swim in schools1

QUESTION: What do you say to a naughty child?
ANSWER: You're a cheeky monkey!

QUESTION: What's a witches favourite school subject?
ANSWER: Spelling!

QUESTION: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
ANSWER: Because it got stuck in a crack!

QUESTION: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
ANSWER: Because chickens hadn't be invented yet!

Knock knock.
QUESTION: Who's there?
ANSWER:Boo
QUESTION: Boo Hoo?
ANSWER: Don't cry it's only a knock knock joke

A student says to the teacher: I need you take a piss.
The teacher says: Not until you have recited the alphabet.
The student says: A B C D E f G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The teacher says: Where's the P?
The student says: Running down my leg!

QUESTION: How do you confuse an Irishman?
ANSWER: Show him a spade and a shovel and tell him to take his pick!

QUESTION: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
ANSWER: A gummy bear!

ASSUME is making an ASS out of U and ME! This is more of a truism than a joke.

QUESTION: What does NASA stand for?
ANSWER: Need Another Seven Astronauts

A man walks into a bar and shoots the bartender, then he says: What's the capital of Spain? How many loaves are there in a baker's dozen? How many atoms are there in a water molecule?

Another man says: Now look here you fool, you can't shoot first and ask questions later!

In the future computers will be sold with a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to prevent the man from touching the equipment.

If you were an alien life form visiting the Earth and you saw one person picking up the poo of a dog who would you think was in charge: The person or the dog?

Attributed to Jerry Seinfeld.

QUESTION: What's the favourite Maori drug?
ANSWER: Canna-pis!

When its time for someone else to trim your toe nails it's time to move into a rest home. (The is more of a truism than a joke.)

Attributed to my mother, Joan Pearson.

I am happy as a pig in shit. (This is more of a truism than a joke.)

Sex is like pizza. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

QUESTION: What do your call a deer with no eyes?
ANSWER: No eye-dear! (idea)
QUESTION: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
ANSWER: Still no idea?
QUESTION: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no genitalia?
ANSWER: Still no f**ken idea?

QUESTION: Are you extracting the urine?
ANSWER: No, I'm taking the piss!

Ned Flanders: That's why they call them rapids instead of slowpids.

Attributed to The Simpsons.

Voice over: Hens love roosters, geese love ganders everyone who counts love Ned Flanders
Home Simpson: I don't!

Attributed to The Simpsons.

Lisa Simpson: Who needs the Quicky Mart, their floors are sticky Mart...

Attributed to The Simpsons.

A person went to a library where he got out piles of books. The person did this several times and the librarian was perplexed at the person's behaviour. The next time the person came to the library the librarian followed the person to the local pond where a frog was sitting. The person was showing the frog the titles of the book one by one to which the frog replied: Redit Redit Redit!

The following joke is borrowed from the following location .

Sand Crab and Mud Crab had been friends since they were born, and loved to play together in the surf. One day, a speed-boat passed over the top of where they were playing. The propeller caught Sand Crab and Mud Crab, and they were smashed to smithereens.Now Mud Crab had always been a good little crab so he went to Heaven. Sand Crab, on the other hand, had been very naughty There was only one place for him, and that place was Hell. Mud Crab was very happy in Heaven, and for a few hundred years, he did his chores without complaint. Each morning he happily fluffed up all the clouds, and in the afternoon would polish the rainbows. He missed Sand Crab though, and one day he approached St Peter, asking if, since he had been so good, could he take some time off and visit his old friend down there.He thought for a minute, then said: 'Alright Mud Crab, you can visit your friend on two conditions: first you must take your Harp with you, and secondly, you must be back by midnight.' Happily clutching his Harp, Mud Crab slid down a passing rainbow and soon arrived at the Gates of Hell. He asked the gatekeeper if he knew Sand Crab, and was very pleased when the gatekeeper told him that of course he did. 'Everyone here knows Sand Crab,' he said. 'He runs the biggest Disco in Hell, right over there. Mud Crab ran to the Disco, and soon found Sand Crab, who was, of course, overjoyed to see his old friend. They played games and talked about old times for hours, till, at two minutes to midnight, Mud Crab had to leave as it was late already. Hurriedly saying goodbye, he ran outside the Gates of Hell, and luckily caught a passing cloud that whisked him straight back to Heaven. St Peter was standing at the gate looking at his watch. 'Just in time, Mud Crab,' he said, then he peered at Mud Crab. 'But wait, where is your Harp?'

Click here to view the punchline the joke.

This joke is borrowed from the following location A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

Click here to view the punchline the joke.